08/11/2010 § Leave a comment
Sleepless night. Stars are too few & far away in the long sky. Long ago, people used to believe that each person born into this world has a star of one’s own. A destiny-star. Yours and yours only. After a dog’s day at work all you had to do was look up at the night sky to know where you really were, in the eye of the beholder. A celestial eye; an ancient and unfaltering gaze that would take in your human smallness as you might have looked upon a dandelion on the field, once, when you were still just a child.
Was it ever true? I wonder what mine would have been like. I don’t want a very bright star, or a hot one, or a large one. What I want is a pill-sized star I can swallow with a glass of water to light my innards. But if such a star exists, it’s not in the sky that I see. So I must be on the wrong side of the earth. Star-crossed, as they say. Hemisphere-challenged. I suppose the streetlights will have to do tonight, though theirs is cold, dead light that only reveals uncertainty & fear in places of my body I didn’t know they could grow on. Life is headed somewhere, nowhere, everywhere.I’m tired of waking up in the middle of the night doubting my worth, clumsily & desperately piecing together the reasons to carry on. Something monstrous lurks always in the corner of my mind. Someone please light me a match. Someone please light me a match.